5 minutes of false hope.

Today, at my Dr.'s appointment, my OB felt my belly and said that he would have guessed head-down if I hadn't of told him I thought she was still breech. Since I am off to the chiropractor/acupuncturist tomorrow, he wanted to do a super quick ultrasound to check the baby's position before I paid for a consultation or treatment. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts that she was still breech, I started to let myself picture what would it would be like to actually have a head-down baby. I thought about coming on here and writing a happy post entitled something along the lines of "head down baby!".
Well, not so much. Doc put the wand at the top of my belly, and there it was. A beautiful little cranium. Sigh.
Bob and I went for a tour of the L&D unit on Tuesday. The hospital is so nice, and the delivery rooms are unbelievably enormous. As we stood in the room, listening to the tour guide tell us about the process and policies around labor and delivery, I realized how utterly and completely sad I am that there is a very good chance that I am never going to get to experience labor and delivery the "old fashioned way". I have no idea why, but seeing the giant blue foam leg holders/stirrups folded underneath the hospital bed just made me so sad. I realized that night that there is a good chance I'm never going to get to have a baby placed on my stomach while she has her first cries. Or that I'm never going to get to have the experience of bonding with my Husband as he helps me through labor. Although I know people have successful VBACs every day, I'm not one for risk, and I know that if I have a c-section with this baby, I'm going to have one for all future babies.
Even though there still is a chance she could flip, and I hope these measures do the trick, I can't help but feel stuck in a terrible sense of limbo. I don't even want to waste my time thinking about a vaginal birth, only to have my hopes shattered later on. If I start to think about what I'd like on my labor Ipod playlist, I push it out of my mind- obviously music is not allowed in the OR. I also can't help but feel this incredible sense of jealousy towards people with head-down babies. Why did it come so easily for them, and not me? Am I doing something wrong?
I know there are a million concerns 3000xs more severe than having a breech baby and therefore a c-section. Heck, I could end up needing a c-section in the end anyway. This is the last post I'm writing about this topic until I have a final verdict around 37 weeks. I don't really buy the "Law of Attraction", but if there is some truth to it, I am breaking every rule. It's time for me to focus on the positive, and be happy tthat I live in a country with doctors that know how to provide the appropriate care for my baby and I, and keep us both safe. I know that in the end when I have her, I'm not going to care how she got here. It is time to focus on that.