A breastfeeding tale Part DUEX (The Hospital)

(You can find the intro here.)

The morning after Kaia's birth, I woke up feeling quite well. Since Kaia was in the NICU, I asked the nurse for an Ambien so I wouldn't be up all night sick with worry and sadness. That stuff is like magic. Bob had an e-mail in his inbox from the NICU stating that Kaia had been given TWO feedings overnight. I knew this was a very good sign, as she had likely been taken off of an IV for hydration and had regulated her breathing well enough to be taking in food orally. The e-mail stated she was scheduled to eat again at 9am.

We called up to the NICU nurse and let her know that I was up and ready to attempt breastfeeding for the first time. Bob wheeled me upstairs-catheter now out, but legs still a little weak. When we arrived at Kaia's side, we were so happy to see her bathed, swaddled, and unhooked from all monitors and machines. Her breathing regulated overnight and we were given the news that she would be discharged back down to us that morning. We were absolutely elated, and happily held her for a while before we attempted the feeding.

The nurse wheeled over two privacy screens in preparation for her first mama/baby meal. She reminded me that breastfeeding does not come easy to everyone, and to not get discouraged. I spent the next 20 minutes or so trying to get Kaia on the breast. Honestly, I barely remember this feeding. I just remember how challenging it was to try to feed an infant when I was sitting in a wheelchair, with an IV stuck in the top of my hand and my abs torn to shreds. After about 20 minutes, the nurse brought over a bottle of Similac. We fed her as much as she wanted to eat. Any other day, I would've been worried about nipple confusion, and questioned why we were giving formula when I had pumped 10 mL of colustrum the night prior. However, I was so completely euphoric over the fact that she was being discharged from the NICU, that I just went along with the nurse's plan. I knew that she had already been given formula three times, so I figured there was no harm in one more time. (I later learned via K's discharge paperwork that the first three feedings were given to her via a tube in her mouth, not from an artificial nipple).

I spent three more days in the hospital. Over the course of these three days, I had expected to receive helpful breastfeeding guidance from the nurses and lactation consultants. What ensued, however, was a confusing mess of contradictions and terrible emotions. Kaia would occaisionally have a great feeding, but mostly spent 20 minutes at a time popping on and off the boob every 5 sucks. The nurses were required to write down how long she fed each time, and when I asked repeatedly about her pulling off, they mostly seemed interested in simply filling out their requisite paperwork, not worrying about the actual feeding itself. Every nurse or lactation consultant that came in the room had some contradicting point of view they had to share. One would say to strip her naked to keep her awake , another would crank up the heat to keep her warm, one nurse urged me to utilze her mouth wide open from crying to shove the nip in, another told me to never attempt to feed while crying. I had one nurse give me a nipple shield almost instantaneously in order to help her latch, only to have the next lactation consultant that visited YELL at me for having it, as if I had conned some sad nurse into giving me a silicone nipple to place over my boob. We spent the entire next day attempting to nurse while referencing a hospital-issued paper booklet on breastfeeding, which was illustrated with diagrams that looked as professionally drawn as a kindergartener's poster contest entry.

On the third morning of my stay, I was exhausted and at a breaking point. I had sent Kaia to the nursery for the last few hours of the night so that Bob and I could catch a little shut-eye. They wheeled her into me at 6am as the sun was rising. We had an absolutely perfect feeding on the left breast. She latched on and stayed for 20 minutes, contently nursing the whole time. As I moved her over to my right breast to top her off if she needed it, the day nurse entered the room to introuduce herself at the start of the shift. I informed her that we had just had a wonderful feeding, and I was just topping her off with the right if she wanted it. (The second breast is considered "optional".) Instead of taking the hint and leaving us alone, she stood over my side and literally shoved my nipple back into Kaia's mouth every time she pulled off crying. The nurse finally left us alone, telling me that she would let the lactation consultant know that we needed her assistance right away. Just when I thought I was making progress. I felt like the calm, serene feeding we had that morning had been wiped out, and that I was being told that what I was doing wasn't good enough. It was a terrible feeling.

A very kind lactation consultant visted my room an hour or so later. I broke down into tears as soon as she started talking to me. She quickly suggested (without EVER watching us feed, hmm..) that we only let Kaia attempt to feed for 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, I would pump, and Bob would give her a bottle of formula or a combo of breastmilk and formula when my milk started to come in. She explained that there was no payoff with the colostrum so the babe was just giving up and falling asleep or pulling off. She assured us that we just needed to get Kaia the calories via the bottle and that she would have no problem latching once my milk came in. She then said not to worry, that almost ALL of the Moms on the floor were pumping and following this plan. (Now, this should have been a MAJOR red flag- why on earth would that many women need to pump?) However, this plan was in some ways a godsend at the time. A time limit for the nursing sessions was a major relief. I was so tired, and attempting to breastfeed every 3 hours for an hour straight was exhausting when you were recovering from major abdominal surgery. In addition, nursing in a bed or an uncomfortable hospital chair is next to impossible.

We spent the remainder of our stay in the hospital nursing, pumping, giving a bottle, and cleaning pump parts. By the morning of our discharge, my milk was transitioning in, and I was pumping enough to provide for a full feeding. We left the hospital armed with a rented hospital grade pump, lanolin, and a bunch of small bottles, ready to provide all the nourishment she needed via a breast pump, and the promise that Kaia would latch shortly.

What we did not realize, however, was that I was also leaving the hospital with a set of breasts that were being prompted to create a supply of milk so large that it would eventually prevent us from breastfeeding at all.